We begin with a dumb and convoluted story involving a protagonist called Syd. He is unlikable, arrogant, annoying and has an IQ that only just reaches double figures. Players are thrown into Quantum Theory without any form of introduction, so you're going to be clueless starting off. The story continues in the same manner, with zero character development and a plot that never makes sense. Dialogue throughout is atrocious, with Syd constantly saying; "Mmmm...ammo" and other equally moronic phrases. The introduction of Filena, the main female character, doesn't help in any way. Quantum Theory is impossible to follow, you're just running from one area to the next and praying for a cut-scene to break up the gameplay. What we did manage to establish is that Syd is the only person capable of destroying big ugly towers. A reason wasn't given, but we can only assume that one of these towers is home to Team Tachyon, because they deserve to have someone like Syd knocking down their door.
God damn it, we said look away now!
Quantum Theory is entirely linear, consisting of little more than areas full of pillars and low walls. Syd will need to kill every enemy in sight, only then can he progress to the next area which will be a slightly edited version of the last. The controls are almost identical to Gears of War, but Quantum Theory somehow manages to make you feel like an obese ape during the combat. Roadie runs, clinging to cover, rolling to evade - it's all here and well below the standard we expect. All of the enemies are carbon copies too; you've got standard soldiers, tiny creatures like Tickers, and giants resembling Boomers. Two semi-original ideas exist within Quantum Theory - the first being the ability to throw Filena at enemies. It's silly. Filena will only hit a target when she's in a good mood, and picking her up is tiresome. The other idea was taken from Fracture, and allows Syd to travel along morphing terrain, causing the player to become disorientated. Quantum Theory is about the most unoriginal and boring title of the generation, and every minute of your time is wasted here.
There are plenty of weapons to find during the shallow campaign, but none of them are effective. Shotguns don't equate to a one shot kill, the grenade launcher is pathetic, and the hit detection for your main assault rifle is unbelievably inaccurate. Target reticules, for god knows what reason, have been made 'artsy'. You will be baffled every time you pick up a new weapon. The production values are clearly very low, but particularly evident when enemies explode as you kill them. There's no physics engine to speak of, so bodies just go splat and disappear. Despite the minimal processing power required to run Quantum Theory, it's still unresponsive and we frequently had to deal with loading screens during the so-called 'gameplay'. The true hideous colours are shown during the first boss battle, which is unbelievably bad. Syd is pitted against Filena, a nimble lady with lots of agility and grace. Syd meanwhile, moves like Manuel Uribe in comparison. You can use the cover system to sit back and pop off a few shots, otherwise you'll be sliced in half. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, a new flying ball-shaped enemy appears. Your defence is left redundant, and the remainder of the battle relies on luck because the characters contrast so greatly. It's unbalanced, much like everything else.
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang...
Quantum Theory is also one of the most disgustingly grey looking games in recent memory. The environments are ghastly, with flat textures having barely any detail at all. Characters fare just as poorly; the animation is stiff and all of the NPC characters move in perfect harmony, i.e. identical models with near identical skins. Syd is rendered with a big blurry head, has robotic lip synching and wears grotesque armour. Particle effects are muddy, and it gets worse when you move indoors. Walls, doors - the whole place is blockly and bland. Quantum Theory's graphics would have been barely passable back in the era of PlayStation 2, but now it's unacceptable. The art direction alone is revolting, proving that Quantum Theory was a bad concept from the beginning.
Within the first hour of Quantum Theory, we witnessed several glitchy moments. Enemies spawn out of thin air, and often directly behind or beside you. One section where Syd takes control of a turret was particularly strange; after wiping out most targets, a small Ticker-like creature got behind us. We killed it and hopped back on the turret. Another little rodent spawned and we kid you not, this happened five times in a row. The AI is truly woeful. When you need to eliminate the larger foes, all you need to do is stand behind a pillar (there's an abundance of them so don't worry about finding one). Keep walking around that pillar and you'll be untouchable; it really is quite farcical. The enemies aren't the greatest annoyance though, as their lack of common sense makes them less than formidable. Giant, one-hit-kill lasers provide some of the most frustrating sequences in any video game to date. Because the cover system is broken, it means that these lasers can kill you instantly even when Syd is safely behind a giant wall. Don't believe us? Then buy a copy of Quantum Theory, we dare you...
"You don't know what's wrong with him? Let me ask, have you heard of something called Quantum Theory?"
Completing Quantum Theory is comparable to being in the front row of a Justin Bieber concert, we wouldn't wish it on anyone. Give yourself a pat on the back if you reach the finale, you deserve it. A great achievement indeed, but not a worthwhile one. The campaign will last somewhere in the region of ten hours, probably longer when you take into account the dodgy difficulty curve, even when playing on Normal. You'll have to retry plenty of sections because of the faulty gameplay, assuming you decide to continue past the hour mark. An abandoned multiplayer component is also included. Nobody was playing online when we tried to connect, so that really sums up how little Quantum Theory offers as far as longevity is concerned.
If there was ever a video game that could define what anti-fun means, it would be Quantum Theory. We're still not one hundred percent convinced that Team Tachyon is genuine. Quantum Theory could be a giant practical joke, one that we didn't find amusing. This should have been nipped in the bud after seeing one line of code, but somehow, it broke out into the public domain. Please, we urge you not to play it for your own health and safety. We share the pain and sympathise with those of you who have been subjected to such an experience. There simply aren't enough negative adjectives to describe Quantum Theory, and that's the perfect note to end this review on.
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