Memoirs of the Housemate from Hell

canetoad · Posted: Sun Sep 02, 2007 5:26 pm�� Post subject:

Mitch. You are fucking awesome. You should sell your story to some trashy current affairs program, or write a book, not just keep this great thing to good old PALGN.

Can't wait for the next installment, can we expect it before the end of the night?
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Frozencry · Posted: Sun Sep 02, 2007 6:15 pm�� Post subject:

HAH, brilliant!

Loving it Mitch my man, it's almost as good as that Legendary Roommate story with the garbage bags full of faeces and the trumpet.

Can't wait for the ending. I already know some of it

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Nick · Posted: Sun Sep 02, 2007 6:42 pm�� Post subject:

My god, I am dripping off every word. I need more. This needs to be compendiumed, myspaced, youtubed or something!

cosmoh · Posted: Sun Sep 02, 2007 7:42 pm�� Post subject:

This is awesome. I wish I had of been there on the IRC thing at the time. Please tell me there is enough +s for the pictures. Pleeeeeaaaaaseeeee

I agree with earlier comments, this could totally be turned into a book or sitcom. Can't wait for the next installment Mitch

Passa · Posted: Sun Sep 02, 2007 9:35 pm�� Post subject:

Gawd you rock Mitch, your writing is absolutely superb!
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Kyle Clarthy · Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 12:21 am�� Post subject:

I am still reading this, but you poor, poor guy.

I have a good imagination, and the ... thing I imagine Al to be ... is he really that foul appearance wise? It makes me sick just thinking about it.

EDIT: I am seriously disturbed that something like that actually exists. I am also seriously disturbed that there is Snow White porn. I guess I'm just naive.

Anyway, did you end up using one of his swords on him?

EDIT 2: And I agree, you've got a great writing style!
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Joseph · Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 2:29 am�� Post subject:

...

He sounds like pig. That's all I can say.

I was going to go to bed a while ago, but once I started reading I just couldn't stop. Forget a book, turn this into a film.
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Karai Pantsu · Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 3:04 am�� Post subject:

So... well, we have a word filter for things like shit and bitch... but the filters don't really work for those dirty (dirty!!!!) file names. I don't want to ruin such entertaining stories, but if we're keeping this place child friendly then some of those descriptors should be... truncated.

That said, I probably have half of those words in various file names across my HDDs... I mean... nothing

Edit: Sorry Mitch, please don't hit me with your ring-hand!
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Bitchacho · Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 7:45 am�� Post subject:

I agree. I'll clean it up.

If you like the story would you mind please Digging it?

http://digg.com/offbeat_news/Memoirs_of_the_Housemate_from_Hell

Cheers.

Also, more parts to come in the next few days. I've got to start and finish an assignment tonight. I was too busy writing stories on the weekend. Now that's rock 'n roll.

slapshakle · Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 1:22 pm�� Post subject:

"Epic" - The Slapshakle Times.

Game. Set. Mitch.

This is f**king gold. I was actually late to work today because I was busy reading the latest chapter.

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Cerebral · Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 1:38 pm�� Post subject:

Same here. I mean, I was going to be late anyway, but thanks to you, I was later than usual. Never thought reading about someone elses real-life misfortunes would be this entertaining.

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Bitchacho · Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 10:32 pm�� Post subject:

Part 5: Who would turn this down?

Al was constantly checking his emails and messages on his phone. Somehow, he managed to get messages sent to him whenever he received nudges or winks or whatever the fuck they call them, from prospective chickie babes through his online dating profile. His insatiable appetite for 'chickie babes' as he likes to call them, was blurring his sense or reality. He was unstoppable.

Al: Yes! One sent me her photo!
Me: Oh cool, give us a look....she's a bit...I dunno.
Al: I don't usually go for the fat chicks though.
Me: Dude you just banged whale-shoulders a few times and you're saying you don't like fat chicks?!
Al: So what! She was crap. A dead root. She just laid there with her hand covering her face trying not to make noises to wake you up. I was too preoccupied with pulling her hands out of the way! I wanted to hear it!
Me: That's great Al.

For someone that supposedly 'likes to build computers' and is a 'techo wizz,' he sure as hell has no idea what the hell he's doing with the internet or...anything. I suppose that's why he drives trucks. When I told him how much I spent building my computer, he started swearing and carrying on how he could build a computer for less than a quarter of the cost. That's great Al. But did anyone tell you you're full of shit? Good luck with finding a '500 gig motherboard,' and I'm not very sure finding monitors from the dump is a particularly great idea. I'm not impressed that you 'know someone' who owns a computer shop. In fact, that computer shop you're talking about was near my old place, is now closed down. But when he gets arguing, he gets passionate. I'll sit this one out. I have no energy to argue with a psychopath right now. I'll save that for another day.

Anyway, back to the story. The girl from the picture wasn't fat or ugly. In fact, Al was painfully out of his league, but once again I thought I'd let him work that out. He's an adult, and adults should realise these things right? Two more times that night he was bragging about the hotties he'd lined up. No longer could I resist: after a few hours, I start the interrogation.

Me: So...what's happening with these chicks? I thought you were going out? You've got your going out clothes on.
Al: Oh yeah. They've all asked for my photos and then we're in business. But I mean, who would seriously turn this down?
*Al does his very best model impersonation. This isn't the Price Is Right, and you're not exactly a spring chicken. Usually I would be wetting myself in laughter by this image, but after seeing the deadly serious look in Al's face, I freeze. It would have been much less funny if only he was joking...If only.

Al: It's taking a while for the picture to be uploaded onto my profile. Might take another day.

I took this opportunity to rush to the computer when he was distracted by his own reflection. It was time for me to infiltrate his profile. The dating website says it's 'safe and genuine' and 'free to join,' but not once does it ask you to throw your dignity on the ground, burn it, and piss on it. That's what it would have said if Al had any dignity. Thank the lord (or praise the plastic Cobra, whatever the hell that statue is for) he doesn't have any dignity.

What the hell could he be saying to impress the chickie babes? Then again, what the hell photos is he trying to upload? When I found Al's profile, my self esteem was dramatically boosted.

hello ladies ive never used any kind of dating service before so this is all new to me.what can i say im a pretty down to earth guy.

What. The. Crap.

Music
I listen to most types of music my favourites i guess are rock,hard rock and grungy stuff but i get into a bit of dance and techno stuff also.

Insane Clown Posse is hardly techno. But then again, what the hell is it? The closest you ever came to dance was 'MTV MashUps - Eminem vs Justin Timberlake - Cry my a superman.' Yes, that's what the song is called.

Other Interests
Spirituality,Well this one is a little different to some,but my mother reads tarot cards so i have been brought up around it most of my life and dont worry im not some freak,hehe,but i do have a strong interests in the afterlife,etc.

You're not allowed to use say 'don't worry I'm not a freak' and 'my mother reads tarot cards' in the same sentence. There should be some sort of online dating policy against that. Also, you chose your religion as Anglican. This is false: I know you follow The Cobra. Liar.

Oh no. The pics! Just a forewarning people: what you are about to see is the hottest shit in the whole world. Chickie babes must have their feet planted flat on the ground at all times...

Remember the 'going out clothes' I mentioned? That's it. A fucking...corduroy polo shirt?? I don't know how you could possibly top that picture. Maybe take off the shirt and look even less happy??

....

Needless to say, after receiving Al's photos, the online girls never responded.

If there are any chicky babes out there, please consider this man. From the horses mouth, here is a little of what he is looking for:

“I am looking for someone who just wants to take things slowly and see where they go.Someone who likes alot of cuddles and affection,and who is also down to earth and likes a good laugh.”

Next Part: Not Fucking Happy, Al. Not Happy At All.

Benno · Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 10:40 pm�� Post subject:

I'm glad you decided to show the pictures. The funny thing is all the pics in his profile show the same expression! Show some love mate, show some love.
You give me the happies Mitch, keep up the good work. And the story too.
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Mature.

Qbert · Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 10:59 pm�� Post subject:

Haha they keep getting better. The parts about him and technology and the build up to the second photo had me in stitches.
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Puddingfork · Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 11:03 pm�� Post subject:

ROFLMAO
This is so damn good, even if this really happened so you didn't come up with the plot, you put it all together so extremely well, you a talented young man my friend +1
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onggie · Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 11:12 pm�� Post subject:

Hahaha, great now we can picture this bogan!

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GroovySamurai · Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 11:13 pm�� Post subject:

That mono brow should be illegal

The story just keeps getting better, cant wait for the next chapter dude.
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Eyce · Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 11:16 pm�� Post subject:

Sad part is he's exactly how I imagined him.
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Lord Halo Nerd · Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 11:18 pm�� Post subject:

Man this is such a great story. Can't wait till the next chapter.
Man I laughed when I saw his photos and then the shirtless one. Pure gold.
EDIT: I can't digg it, it asked me if I was human, and yeah me not being human a downer.
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Jim Dash · Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 11:21 pm�� Post subject:

Puddingfork · Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 11:23 pm�� Post subject:

Everyone laughed at she shirtless one, I made sure not to look at the pics after I glanced and kept the scroll thing above them and didn't look at them until I was up to that reading point because I knew it would be a funny part of the story just seeing the pic after reading what he said

Also could we see the pics of his room now and just ones of him in normal cloths?
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Passa · Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 11:32 pm�� Post subject:

I want a picture of the cracked table

Your writing style is fantastic by the way, you've turned a funny story into an absolute riot!
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Frozencry · Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 11:38 pm�� Post subject:

500 gig motherboard!

Hahahaha, had me in tears. Can't wait for the next chapter. Loving this <3
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Nick · Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 11:39 pm�� Post subject:

It's like a bomb that keeps exploding.

(must resist Flickring the monobrow)

EDIT: (must resist adding picture to hotornot.com) [/meangirlstude]

Kyle Clarthy · Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 11:39 pm�� Post subject:

Ugh ...

I think I'm going to throw up.
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