Poetry Critique Thread

[doubt]

So I've been writing poetry for all throughout high school and only the girls with crushes on me have really taken to it seriously (or as seriously as girls with crushes on you can) so I decided why not dedicate a thread to the poetry of the creative members of PALgn, right!

So I'll start us off with something I've written pretty recently. Pretty experimental in the sense that I don't often rhyme.
(Most of my stuff is lost digitally and remains only in a folder under my girlfriends bed)

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Counterproduction and the bombard kids

The positive reinforcement sticks hard against the wall built internally
Soft cement collage of thrown promises brisk in the sun eternally
Overlooked and disregarded as grey as their backdrop biting ears
As a reminder that the nautical route owns a nautical face that rears
Forcefully bringing the end to hope and the dawn of the old digital playground
Refuge where pixels create mirages of hope and immitate organic sounds
Of miracle thought ladies with burdens of flesh hanging for less and less each time
Sick so they don't know, fit so they don't show the agony or brutal fine line

When the kids stop crying, drying lips
I'll bring myself up with chemical bliss
In an alliance against insanity

Its the premiere of primal fear
The blood loss of dreams tossed
The luminescence of lies and lies
The backstory of torture and triumph

Formal thought patterns rattle glass and shatter rafters
Cloudy mornings with clone thoughts and moods, "Nay! One crafter!"
Abstract built complex, green with gummy moss walls, hides the stalls
Of brilliance bound for release but stopped short in eager rapport with the fall
Victim trains of neuron deaths


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I'll most likely post quite frequently in this thread since I write a fair bit of poetry myself. Feel free to leave feedback and I'll do the same for any other poetry posted by your good selves.
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[3mt]

so what are the themes of the poem?
there's an air of T.S. Elliot in this. My favourite quote from him: "Wipe your hand across your mouth and laugh/ The worlds revolve like ancient women/ Gathering fuel in vacant lots."
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[doubt]

Never read T.S. Elliot to be honest. Sounds like maybe I should however.

I like to leave the interpretation of my poems up to other people but I'll tell you it has to do somewhat with sanity/insanity and struggle. Of course there are many other themes.
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[3mt]

T.S. Elliot! The person who wrote the (arguably) 'most important' poem of the century, titled The Waste Land. You really must read it.
His poems are such a masterpiece. He won the nobel prize either for his poems or for his contribution to literary criticism. He is also considered to be the 'finest' literary critic of the century. He deals with similar themes, but mostly modernism.
His influences has spread out over a vast area. Even Halo3 uses the lines "This is how the world ends/ Not with a bang, but with a whisper" from "The Hollowmen"
I think you'd like his poetry.
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[doubt]

Mount Sanity's Final Battle Hymn

Herding sheep that swarm and reep, fornicate and sleep where they shouldn't reside
Constant, confusion to tyranny, break heads willingly boasts the beast in the tide
Rides wastelands where waterfalls fell down in beautiful independance and grace
Flies circle corpses and dead horses, a single solider bleeds abnormality in the space
where bloodshot pupils at least saw a sound other than war, ripped and torn sore
Bring forth the traitor, waiter, there's a fly in my head

In the red sea of my nervous neurons rides he

Distraction faction to flock, block stings through disconnection
Best bet is a book
Generous joy pounding to send a resounding war cry to stew to
A tribal waltz that halts faults and breaks through the glue that held you
And your army together in deceit
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[doubt]

A Doomsday Lullaby

Trapped unwillingy in this super controversy casket that masks those who made it
Rise up small soldier greet the death that makes you so frustrated you savor it
Black bliss under careful chaos
Remind me just how important is our curiosity's velocity?
Enough to drive an army of the cliff, stiff from suspicion under media marketed blanket stories
Our apathy comes with hope as ignorance ties a rope and we reflect the past least gory


Beyond my good and evil lies encoding a retrieval, basics of the brain, that spoken aren't legal
Eagle beak barely open, Lungs dry and scarred but breathable
Tie this down with tea leaves, leaves heavy traces of smoke and vapors
A reason to ignore, ignorance to the reason you've built the strength to throw your shield up for


Excuses that prevent bruises, lacerate lies like, "Blood to flies,
Tastes good but is it worth it?"


Tunnels lead to breaches
Grab your lover by their teeth
Last apple, goodbye your teachers
Sand commandos watch the sunset from your beach



And sin and take experience, win and lose the fear and then
Wrap 'em up in tin
Store half of them in your heart, art and the moments

The other you can start by holding close and singing lullabies
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[Silverbird]

I'd like to think I can write 'poetry', here's one I prepared earlier...


I don’t believe it
Your trust of torment
Has conducted its self grievance
To the point of vengeance
So who the are you to tell me the truth?
In spite of the majority’s belligerence?
You hypocrite
Stick it as far as you can to the sun so I hope you burn on return
And end up snuffing yourself out to your own self doubt
But with or without the model space of the solid foundation
I find myself compassionate about the simpler things that hold no shout
To turn and run
In spite of all that I might have encountered
I the coward
Can no longer face the
Bullsh!t that determines
Anything fundamental to the mind of deception
So I hide it
Beneath the lies and deception

Guide me through my own self hatred to the point of being an anonymous entity
So that those who feel can no longer heal to the beat of my insanity
Try and tune me but the chords do no not suit the landscape to protect the family
Regardless of who might control the mind frame of humanity

So I sit and stare
To the fame who fare
Those who think beyond what may have been
I ask no help
But I hold with hope
To cast the rope
In case of fire I retire but still can linger with a reason
Regardless of who might benefit from those who laugh at even the thought of treason
My fellow brethren
Lost and gone beyond repair now so it seems I can no longer feel anything
I’m so sorry

Nothing changes
The frontier of the new day escapes beyond the first impression
So stuff it, I never promised you anything
Don’t deal with it
Just ignore it
Better off are those who can control it
And even manipulate it
To be beyond anything seen before within the imagination
I now
The instigator
So can you leave it?


Edit: Your swearing has been removed. Please do not swear or attempt to evade the swear filter again. Thanks.
^Roger Roger

[doubt]

Yes, finally someone else has some poetry.

I really liked that poem. Very nice.

Can I challenge you to try a non-rhyming one? I'd love to read that.
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[Frozencry]

Didn't realise this thread existed until now.

Yes I write plenty of poetry. When I suffered from depression much of the content that I wrote was what got me through many a day, and I've written a lot of other forms of poetry to certain people or about people, etc.

I guess I could start by posting one here. This one is called 'Seven', meant to represent Seven 'sins' and such, as you'll read in the poem. It's pretty dark, but at the time I felt pretty terrible, so felt I needed a bit of a vent.

Corrupt my own ways of light and undo all that was good and right.

Burn oneself over seeds of hurt and destroy myself for sense of worth.

Break a leg only to writhe in pain with no such luck at all to gain.

Destroy the mentality of a mind that is pure and build the complexities of an evil lure.

Walk under the bridge to catch the shadow of doubt and throw away all that was ever devout.

Shed no tear for a remorseful act and with blood sign a murderous pact.

Reach the seventh and realise your sins and flee to a crowd that will surely thin.

Seven lies, Seven evils, Seven cries and Seven fears,
Reverse my act and free me from me,
Undo my wrongs that I had set in motion to be.

-- A poem written not in hate, but in doubt and blame. A poem about a world filled with colour and life, yet half the time my eyes only see black and white. --

Cue the accusations of being an emo
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[doubt]

I like this line: Reach the seventh and realise your sins and flee to a crowd that will surely thin.

Good stuff.
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[kartanym]

This one's been sitting on my computer for a few years, and this thread just reminded me of its existence, so here it goes:

I walk along the road alone,
darkened sand beneath my tired feet,
tainted by other paths long made,
a muddled mess of prints.

I walk through this path alone,
not knowing where it leads,
a silver glint upon the horizon,
blinding my sight, paining my eyes.

I walk along thy street alone,
the sound of silence my only companion,
I am free to do as I please,
no fears, wants or needs desired.

I wish for prints beside my own,
a hand upon my shoulder,
guiding me towards my goal,
enticing hope from my heart.

I wish for a love like no other,
a life that can be shared as one,
hand in hand as she walks beside me,
her smile far warmer than the sun.

I wish, beyond the stars above,
That this love be sent toward me,
A bond never broken,
Our steps aligned in time.

I wish, but I walk alone.

[shandibennett]

Well hi fellow poets!
I write poetry too and am self publishing my book in a couple months. The book is called, "Raunchy Rhymes"...so i am not sure if i can post something up from it?

[Mick Saige]