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Username: Crank
Joined: 05 Jul 2008
$poons: 838.60
Total posts: 1860 [Show all]
[0.24% of total / 0.88 posts per day]
Post Score: 3896  ( 3910 / 14) [Show all]
Total votes: 3549 [Show all]
Interests: Apathy
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Crank's Recent Forum Posts
I just like listening to the echo. Great acoustics in here, with all the people gone.
Roland wrote
The “Most Negative Feedback” Award

The naming of this award is certainly not that exciting. So the award for the most negative comments; lam-basting; unapologetic smashing, bashing, trashing or bashing; goes to well – me. I think it’s fair to say that few would have received such a grilling from the PALGN community in such a short period of time.
While the award is well deserved, I do wish you had consulted the awards committee.

Presenting an award to yourself is considered somewhat gauche, and any one of the awards presenters would have gladly spared you that embarrassment.
Re: The PSP Vita Thread (2 years ago)
Yeah, it was 16gb, my mistake.
Re: The PSP Vita Thread (2 years ago)
Was sorely tempted to get one... until I saw that an 8GB memory card was $70. I knew they would be expensive, but Jesus...
Re: One Questions (2 years ago)
Does anybody know any good places to buy reading glasses online? I'd really like to get a pair of decently priced Wayfarers, but don't think I'm going to find such a thing in a bricks and mortar store.
Re: The Walking Dead (2 years ago)
No big deal, I actually didn't see your post. Just thought people needed a gentle reminder... did sound a bit snarky though, so sorry everyone.

But yeah, please use spoiler tags folks.
Re: The Walking Dead (2 years ago)
So, I see we're not bothering with spoiler tags any more.
Well, it's getting late and I'm sure you all want to know the identity of PALGN's top award winners. While I am tempted to milk this franchise further, I'm all out of ideas for even the most terrible of jokes, something that will quickly become apparent.

So, without further ado, here is Modern Awardfare 3.

I'll be honest, until recently, I don't think I ever fully appreciated just how much hard work went into this site. Unfortunately, some people still don't. Recent events, however, have highlighted the level of commitment shown by all the staff. They kept the news and reviews flowing like cask wine and VB at a bogan wedding. All for little more reward than being able to boast to the ladies that they reviewed video games. Although this is the ultimate aphrodisiac in some circles, it is paltry compensation for the endless hours spent playing rubbish games and trying to think of suitably dreadful puns for the taglines of their reviews.

Winner of the For the Fallen award, for the best staff member in 2011...


Jeremy, on behalf of myself, the other regular forum members, the irregular forum members, the lurkers, the haters and people who haven't even seen the site and have no idea who you are, I want to say a big Thank You for all your hard work and dedication over the years.

Runners-up in this category were Jahanzeb and Jarrod, in second and third place respectively. No sigs for them, but they do both receive a years supply of smug, self-satisfaction as their prize. Well done, chaps and thanks for everything.

Winning Thread of the Year can really open doors. Simply take a small quantity, attach it to the lock, insert a detonator and connect the timer. It's either that, or ask your ex-girlfriend if she still has your spare set of keys. Sure, the landlord will be pissed, but your ex almost certainly flushed your keys down the toilet, along with your iPod...

Sorry, what were we talking about again? Oh, yeah...

The winner of Thread of the Year, for the best PALGN forum thread started in 2011 is...


PixieGirl wins this award for The Screenshots Thread, where PC enthusiasts can gather to jer... share their favourite screenshots and prove conclusively that us console jocks are all wasting our time playing games with ugly, outdated graphics.

User of the Year can mean different things to different people. For example, up until recently, Charlie Sheen was considered User of the Year by most Los Angeles crack dealers. And like Charlie, our next recipient is no stranger to winning, having won numerous awards in the past, starting with the very first PALGN Awards.

Winner of The Big One, for the PALGN forum user of the year is...


Congratulations to all the winners and stay tuned for further developments in the ongoing saga that is the 2011 PALGN Awards.
Soon, Jahanzeb, soon. Zombie Kanye West doesn't just kill himself, you know.

Okay, I tell you what: how about I announce another couple of awards in the meantime. Undead musicians aren't anything to be too worried about, The Rolling Stones don't seem to bother anybody.

The invisible hand of The Moderator. Ever vigilant and always ready to spring into action. Making the forums safe for ordinary netizens, delivering justice the only way they know how: at the business end of their trusty banhammer.

Who are these heroes, these ones who moderate? They are ordinary men and women, like you and me. They have jobs, families, responsibilities, Narcotics Anonymous meetings to attend, yet still they give up their precious time, doing a tough job for little reward other than glory, so you can post Pokemon memes without fear of retribution.

The following award is brought to you by the Illuminati. The Illuminati: pulling the strings since 1776. Check out the range of merchandise in our online store.

Mod of the year goes to...


Our next winner is a real character, which let's be honest, is just a nice way of saying he is a total cunt. Whatever you think of him, you can't deny that he can be a funny cunt. Whether we are laughing with him or at him remains unclear. To be honest, I'm not sure he really cares either way.

Winner of the LULZ King, the one who makes you laughs like no other...


As if his sig wasn't ridiculous enough already. God help us all.

And with that, two parts become three... stay tuned for further sporadic coverage of PALGN Awards.

Due to the fact that everybody seems to be having so much fun with this awards thing, and, more importantly, due to the fact I can no longer stare at a computer screen any longer due to alcohol consumption, part 2 of the general forum awards will air tomorrow.

Plus, I think there is some other award thing that some other people wanted to do or something. Nobody tells me anything, which is okay by me. I like me some plausible deniability.

So, cancel all your plans and tune in tomorrow, when I probably will, almost certainly, eventually reveal the final winners...
Let me get a few things out of the way first.

There will be no jokes about how slow PALGN is, you just need to learn how to plan ahead better. There will be no mention of Roland, negative or otherwise. Except for that one. And lastly, we will humbly ask Jason if he wants to join us for drinks at the after party, but we will keep all the good champagne for ourselves, leave early and not invite him to the club we all go to.

And now, on with the General Forum Awards... which will be presented in two parts... because I'm still writing the second part. Sorry to shatter the illusion.

I hope this first award is received in the spirit in which it is intended. I'll let you all interpret that last sentence as you see fit. No doubt some of you will, regardless of what I say.

In fact, let me distance myself even further from this award by saying it wasn't my idea. I had nothing to do with it. I didn't even write this introduction. What are you accusing me of exactly?

Sorry, it's all gone a bit bughouse in here lately, think I'm starting to get the fear...

This years inaugural Falconpalm Award, for the member whose posts caused the most incongruous disbelief goes to...


As you can imagine, this was a highly contested category, with the winner emerging victorious by only a single vote. You know what they say, however, an inch is as good as a mile.

Okay, seriously, who named these awards? I can't say this stuff, I have standards. Granted, they are very low, but still, people don't need this kind of mental image thrust into their mind's eye. I do apologise for the for this, really...

The Placenta Award, for the best member to have squeezed through PALGN's narrow hips, out the birth canal, to land in the forums with a moist smack in 2011 is...


You couldn't have just called it the Newcomer Award, could you? Oh, god, they have even illustrated it... ew.

In my opinion, photography is an underrated art. A vast amount of technique and knowledge is required to get a good picture. Correct positioning of the camera, lighting conditions and effective composition all play a crucial role in making sure you get the entire performance on film without her seeing the camera. Make sure you cover up that little blinking red light, as that's always a dead giveaway.

What do you mean that's videography? It's basically the same thing, who even cares?

Our next winner always remembers to cover the little red light. Winner of the Best Picture award, for the finest photos taken by PALGN members...


Winner of the The Harold Holt Award, for the forum member most likely to have been spirited away by a Japanese midget sub. .. or by a Japanese midget in Subway... or watching Spirited Away on the Japanese subway. Wow, that's some genius level wordplay right there. Somebody dig up Oscar Wilde and bury me in his place, I deserve no less of an honour.

Anyway, the winner is...

Kyle Clarthy!

Wherever you are right now, Kyle, I hope the jokes are less terrible.

Stay tuned for part two, which is sure to delight and enrage, in more or less equal measures...
It's okay, my definition of 'soon' is looser than Paris Hilton. There will be plenty of time for other things. In the meantime, please enjoy tonights entertainment.

I wrote this song earlier in the week about our recent issues. I then travelled back in time, slept with several movie producers and this is the end result.

Don't believe me? Well, I slipped a little Joss Whedon reference into the lyrics as proof... see if you can spot it.

Sorry for the delay, folks. The PALGN Awards will conclude tonight. Very soon, I promise.

Stay tuned... it's going to be epic! Okay, that's probably overselling it a bit, but it will be pretty good.
Re: What freaks you out? (2 years ago)
You people are weird, with your fear of coat hangers and groups of holes. Bunch of basket cases.

The only thing I'm afraid of is the ghost of Ella Fitzgerald stealing my keys and melting them down to make a statue commemorating the first moon landing, which is encrusted with diamonds she stole from a zebra, who won them gambling on the outcome of episodes of The Deadliest Warrior.

Just like everybody else.
jprockbelly wrote
In falcondude's defense he did claim that he meant to type 'neggers' but got it wrong icon_confused.gif
No, that was me who said he meant to type 'neggers'... it was a joke.

And I should say that I resent being mistaken for FalconDude.
There are not enough popcorn gifs in the entire universe for this thread.
Probably just a bunch of looky lous, come to gawk at all the fireworks.
Ironic, or the circle of life?
Post seems a bit confused on a number of levels, betraying its author's basic lack of familiarity with his audience.

Nonetheless, the basic message is sound, and for that reason alone, I'll plus it.


EDIT: On second thoughts, I changed my mind. The basic message is still sound, it's the source and delivery that leaves a bad taste in my mouth...
Well, that sure is a purty song, but not my cup of tea, nosireee. I'd give it... a 6 out of 10...

Now this here song, it speaks to me. Roland, this one is dedicated to you...

mrcool37 wrote
Just saw the video embedded in that article for the first time. This the first time I have been exposed to Spacepony.

Excuse me for a minute, I'm going outside to kill myself.
No need for anything so dramatic. Just tear your eyes out and use a screwdriver to burst your eardrums.
Yes, it was the Grammys.
mikezilla2 wrote
the monster references are more or less referencing the era that the game is set in
I was thinking the same thing, but boy, what a clumsy way to go about it.

mikezilla2 wrote
did i mention that if you have played them in order of release then you are doing it wrong ?
Thats what I thought, hence playing MGS 3 first. I am enjoying it, but Tommy Wiseau could write better dialogue. Don't even get me started on some of the characters.

EDIT: okay, now I'm confused - what order am I supposed to be playing them in? Oh, I see - you edited your post. Okay, then fuck it, I'm doing it wrong.
So, should I be resisting the temptation to skip these ridiculously long cutscenes in MGS 3? Is the story actually worth it? If I wanted to watch a movie, I'd watch a movie, and one that was actually coherent, unlike this muddled gibberish.

And seriously, somebody needs to sit Kojima down and explain to him the meaning of the word 'redundant'. I'm not a moron, you don't need to tell me everything 3 GODDAMN TIMES!

Oh, and why does that chick feel the need to tell me about monster movies every time I save? What the hell is that all about?

Kojima must be high as a kite when he makes these games, there really is no other logical explanation. The hard stuff, too. Ketamine washed down with ether and a side order of paint thinner fumes.

Oh, there you go, the cutscene finally ended and my Xbox controller has switched itself off...
I have no words, so I will let this song do all the talking.

Thanks for the memories, Cody.
Jeremy wrote
My official review count is 291.
That is damned impressive, Jeremy. Has to be some sort-of record.

While I'm at it, thanks to all of the writers and community members who made this site what it is... or was. I'm not much of a joiner, but I joined this place, and stayed. That says a lot, believe me.

Also, I'm curious, do you guys retain copyright of your work? I'd hate to think that somebody else I won't even bother to name might continue to benefit from all your hard work.
You should marry her quicksmart, so you can divorce her immediately.
Jedi_Amara wrote
Michael Kontoudis wrote
Jedi_Amara wrote
Thanks for your work! It's taken me this long but I finally (just in time) figured out why your name sounds familiar - you're Rita's husband, aren't you?
I like to think of myself as a husband to the world icon_smile.gif
I'm not even sure how that works.
The honeymoon would be a logistical nightmare, that much is certain.

Hope to see more of your work around the Interwebs, Michael. Just remember, when one door closes, another browser window opens. Man, that's good. I should put that on a t-shirt.
Re: PALGN AWARDS - 2011 (2 years ago)
We have souls... the souls of our victims.