Matt’s Somewhat Serious Bit
I’ve had a bit of a stance in the past about not making bold predictions about things – mainly because people get really disappointed when I’m happy to eat crow when I’m wrong. Nonetheless, I feel like I’ve been somewhat less offensive in Easy Mode as of late and feel the need to piss the audience off a bit, so I’ve decided to run a rather nasty piece where I basically diss all of the games that you all so desperately want this Christmas. Yes, this is just another thinly veiled list thread because I’ve run out of time to put together some sort of interesting analytical piece, but that shouldn’t come as a surprise, because I’ve always been horribly disorganized – to think that I want to take this column weekly and run a blog on the side – ha!
Every Christmas there will inevitably be titles that, no matter how good they are or how much is spent on marketing, will fail to capture the attention of the common folk who buy games in spades at this time of year. We’ve seen it happen time and time again – Prince of Persia: Sands of Time, Beyond Good & Evil, True Crime: New York City, Viva Pinata, Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories – all games with either hype or marketing behind them, all bargain binned at the January sales. Then there are the titles that are absolute crap, thrown out at Christmas, because publishers think that anything will sell at this time of year – Elf Bowling, The Matrix: Path of Neo, Splinter Cell, Gears of War etc. So here are a few of my picks for games that will either be crap, bomb or both this Christmas.
Assassin's Creed
D: Ubisoft P: Ubisoft
SRP: $109.95 (Xbox 360), $119.95 (PS3)
Available on: PS3, Xbox 360 (PC in 2008)
Assassin’s Creed was the first game Ubisoft announced for the new generation of consoles, but the studio wisely held off showing any footage of the game for a long time, instead choosing to roll out the supposed producer of the game, Jade Raymond, a somewhat attractive French-Canadian girl everytime someone asked about the game. Now pretty girls and CG trailers might work on the writers of 1UP and IGN, but I need something a little more – and I got it when Ubisoft had their demonstration at E3 – the game with more issues than a group of emo kids. Ubisoft are no stranger to releasing games full of glitches, but I think Assassin’s Creed will show just how little they care about quality assurance.
Prediction:
Crysis
D: Crytek P: Electronic Arts
SRP: $99.95
Available on: PC
Yes, another controversial choice. Honestly, I think Crysis looks like an absolute blast, but there’s one big factor that can and in my opinion, will prevent it from being a big hit this Christmas; hardware requirements (you could also argue that not being World of Warcraft or a Sims expansion would have an effect). Crysis needs a good rig to be enjoyed – it’s making mince meat of some pretty classy hardware, and historically, any PC game that has required hardware greater than what’s available on the market for a reasonable price has failed to light up the charts. No matter how good it is, the hefty price of entry will turn the mass market off Crysis.
Prediction:
Eye of Judgment
D: Sony P: Sony
SRP: $159.95 (plus whatever you want to pay for more cards)
Available on: PS3
Eye of Judgment seems like a good idea, but there are two fundamental problems: price, and the fact that it’s a card game. I’ve never met a person who plays one of these games that wasn’t some sort of autistic savant or OCD freak, and given the average level of Australian intelligence (Australia Idol is still rating), the price involved and the setup required the play the game properly, I can’t see this one taking off.
Prediction:
Haze
D: Free Radical Design P: Ubisoft
SRP: $119.95
Available on: PS3
Free Radical has a pretty solid track record, largely owing to the fact they have a solid team of first person shooter developers, and nobody played Second Sight. In the promotion of their latest shooter, Haze, Free Radical made the awful mistake of labeling the game a Halo-killer. Unfortunately, at last look, the only thing Haze is going to kill is its publisher’s credit rating.
Prediction:
Lair
D: Factor 5 P: Sony
SRP: $99.95
Available on: PS3
Seems like I’m picking a bit on the PlayStation 3, but that’s just a coincidence. Lair has been out for months in the States, and it failed to make a dent in the charts there – so to release it up against the highly anticipated Unchartered and Ratchet & Clank Future is baffling. Lair utterly failed to impress critics (some joked that the developer should be renamed Factor 4.9 to reflect Lair’s average score out of 10) on its North American release, thanks largely to its reliance on the clumsy SIXAXIS motion controls. When the producer of the game can’t pull off a simple 180 degree turn without fail, you know something has gone terribly wrong.
Prediction:
Rayman Raving Rabbids 2
D: Ubisoft P: Ubisoft
SRP: $99.95
Available on: Wii
Also might seem I’m picking on Ubisoft here, but the publisher isn’t exactly known for its great timing, with quite a few of its high profile games having suffered the misfortune of being lost in the Christmas rush. Despite the success of Rayman Raving Rabbids, I think the sequel will be forgotten. It’s going up against Super Mario Galaxy and Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games, and carries nowhere near the amount of hype of its predecessor. Perhaps the Wii’s breakthrough into the casual market will prove me wrong, but it’s a case of wait-and-see.
Prediction:
Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles
D: Capcom P: Capcom
SRP: $99.95
Available on: Wii
Resident Evil 4: Wii Edition has been a big success, almost tripling Capcom’s expectations. The same cannot be said for Umbrella Chronicles, which was looking utterly terrible at E3, and I have my doubts about whether they could turn it around. The game is likely to suffer the fate of many other Resident Evil side stories – complete indifference from the market. Give us something good, like a remake of Resident Evil 2, which doesn’t seem to feature that much in this supposed story of Umbrella…
Prediction:
TimeShift
D: Saber Interactive P: Sierra
SRP: $89.95
Available on: PS3, Xbox 360 and PC
Originally slated to be a launch title for the Xbox 360(!), TimeShift has slipped and slipped in the release schedule. Dumped by original publisher Atari, and allegedly scrapped and started from scratch, TimeShift seems like it is destined to be crap, and faces indifference from a market spoiled by BioShock, The Orange Box and Halo 3. There’s a slim chance that the game could have actually turned around, but you’re going to need more than backwards rain to impress me.
Prediction:
The Simpsons Game
D: EA P: EA
SRP: $99.95 (PS3/360/Wii), $89.95 (PS2), $69.95 (DS/PSP)
Available on: PS2, PS3, Xbox 360, Wii, DS and PSP
Surprised? Don’t be. I was a little surprised about the strength of The Simpsons Movie, and I think that no matter how successful the game is this Christmas, it won’t meet EA’s expectations. Face it, The Simpsons has now been crap for longer than it has been funny and the audience knows. EA have crafted a beautiful looking game, but the gameplay just isn’t there to back it up.
Prediction:
Zack and Wiki: The Quest for Barbaros' Treasure
D: Capcom P: Capcom
SRP: $99.95
Available on: Wii
A pirate themed point and click adventure game – regardless of the quality, the market Zack and Wiki is going after is likely to be well and truly tied up by Super Mario Galaxy and its cronies. This is going to be one of those games that will be listed on those silly lists of games that deserved better like ICO, Rez, Beyond Good & Evil etc. Adventure games have become a niche in recent years, and no matter how good this one is, I don’t think it’s going to be the one that brings the genre back into the limelight.
Prediction:
Tune in to next month’s Easy Mode to watch me squirm and eat crow over bad predictions.
Quote of the Month
EA’s John Riccitiello had this to say on game pricing.
“In the next five years, we’re all going to have to deal with [the current pricing model]. In China, they’re giving games away for free. People who benefit from the current model will need to embrace a new revenue model, or wait for others to disrupt.”
EA chief John Riccitiello
Hey John, YOUR company pushed for the new $US60 price point at the start of this generation – Fight Night Round 3 was the first game I paid more than $AU100 for since the 16-bit days. If something is to be done about it, why doesn’t EA lead the charge? Or are they now scrapped for cash after you offered up $800 million for Bioware/Pandemic, whom you paid only $300M for last year when part of Elevation Partners. Now would you kindly tell me what Bioware/Pandemic has done in the last year that made their value almost triple, or are you just seeking to line your pockets?
You know what really grinds my gears?
The Play and Charge kit is a useless piece of junk. It’s just a glorified casing for 2xAA batteries, and it takes longer to charge a single battery than it does to watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Don’t expect us to cough up more cash for the Quick Charge kit – I want a quicker charge to begin with!
Useless
Blast from the Past
Nintendo has this habit of occasionally ignoring its intellectual properties for many years before bringing them back in spectacular style. One such franchise is the Punch Out!! Series, Nintendo’s foray into arcade boxing. It’s been well over a decade since Super Punch Out!!, which was arguably one of the best games on the Super Nintendo, so let’s take a trip down memory lane.
Super Punch Out!! was the sequel to Mike Tyson’s Punch Out (or Punch Out with Mr. Dream, if you missed the first run), and it stuck reasonably close to the formula – players take control of Little Mac, a small boxer with Rocky-like determination and a rock hard jaw, and fight their way through a series of bouts with some of the most bizarre boxers outside of a Rocky movie; the wimpy Gabby Jay, the Bruce Lee-like Dragon Chan, the scary Mad Clown, and of course, the dangerous Bruiser Brothers.
Eye of the tiger baby, eye of the tiger!
Bouts in Super Punch Out!! don’t exactly follow Marquis of Queensbury rules – opponents will kick you, spit in your face, give you bearhugs and headbutts, and beat you with a cane. With quick thinking, pattern recognition, rhythmic combos and use of the super punch, you and Little Mac can overcome all challenges and take home the World Video Boxing Championship. Now if only Nintendo would put it on Virtual Console…or perhaps make the long awaited sequel for the Wii.
Views and opinions expressed in Easy Mode are solely those of the author, and do not reflect the opinions of PALGN, it's affiliates, partners, advertisers, fans of Assassin's Creed, or Santa and his reindeer.
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