From the Stars and Stripes (a daily newspaper published for the US military and their families) comes news of Sony’s latest marketing effort, a promotion for the new turn-based combat, PSP game, Field Commander. Sony are running a competition with copies of Field Commander on offer. If you think coming up with twenty five words or less why you love product X is a bitch, try this contest on for size. Just to be in the running to win a copy of Field Commander you’ll need to be serving overseas in the US military. And if the chances of being stuck in a war zone, or at best, a very unfriendly neighbourhood weren’t bad enough, instead of twenty five words, Sony wants an essay of up to five hundred words. I don’t mean to be unkind but if you could churn out a decent prize-winning five hundred word essay, you would probably not have enlisted in the first place and opted instead for a safe desk job back home in the States!
Not playing fair.
Frankly I think it would be a lot less trouble just to rent the sucker. I didn’t think anyone would actually be bothered going to the trouble of entering the competition, but a former colleague of mine, First Corporal Hector de la Garza, a US Marine currently serving in Iraq, sent me a copy of his entry.
Dear Sony,
I know I’m meant to be writing about my video game experiences whilst serving overseas in the US military, but I thought I’d use the opportunity to raise a number of concerns I have about my military experiences, and how they are falling far short of my experiences playing SOCOM and a number of other military themed shooters. Now I know Sony isn’t directly responsible for the production of all games, so if you could pass on my comments to the relevant people I’d be much obliged.
There’s no theme music. Not sure if your developers messed up, or someone higher up in my chain of command forgot to book the military band, but not once while in the field have I heard the rising crescendo of a rousing and appropriate battle themed music. No haunting Middle Eastern dirge either. Nothing. It’s eerie. I’ve tried taking my iPod out on patrol but my CO is a real stickler about regulations. He yelled at me, and told me if he ever saw me wearing a pair of iPod ear buds while on duty he’d ‘fry my bass’…which on reflection seems a little strange cause we can’t get fresh seafood here for love or money, but it was a bit hard to hear exactly what he was saying with the iPod pumping out of the orchestral soundtrack and all.
These terrorists just don’t play fair either. Not once have they stepped out from behind cover, and as for just walking up to them, stamping my feet and making all kinds of noise, without them noticing, well that never happens, although to be honest I’ve only tried that twice. How the hell I’m meant to kill them is beyond me. Again, I’m not sure whether your boys back in the studio messed up, or whether these particular terrorists are just bad ass and very clever, but seriously, something’s not right.
Either the campaign length here is way way too long or your studios have been skimping on gameplay. Hell, the other night our convoy was ambushed and we were stuck out in the desert for three days. I’m sorry but that’s just rude. There was no pausing the firefight, and you can forget sleep mode. We were awake for 72 hours straight. Again, if the fault lies with the General’s higher up the food chain I’ll put in a formal complaint to my CO and see what can be done, but if not, you make have to rethink your policy of scattering your levels with save points. I’ve tried just wandering off mid-battle for a toilet break, but trust me, the other soldiers tend to get real pissed, especially if it’s number two’s and you’re gone for more than a few minutes.
I don’t mean to be too negative but I’ve been here going on 12 months now, and the gameplay variety is just not there. It’s the same patrol day in day out, and no matter how well we do, we’re just not opening up any other levels. Again, I apologise if the US Army mucked up the mission rotation, but on the chance that your games have got it a bit wrong, could you please look into it. As for do overs, don’t even get me started. Charlie copped a bullet in the head a few weeks back and I’m beginning to think he’s never coming back.
On a positive note, my CO just gave me the results of my performance review. My rating’s about as poor as it was playing the SOCOM 3 single player campaign, so it looks like you at least nailed that one.
Yours sincerely,
Hector de la Garza
Not the E3 Edition
I missed E3. It passed by completely unnoticed as I struggled under a mountain of packing boxes while my new broadband connection remained stubbornly disconnected, awaiting a Telstra employee to flick a switch or pull a lever, or a call centre employee in New Delhi to action an email request. Speaking of New Delhi, my new home was last rented by Indians; absolutely lovely people, with, not surprisingly, a fondness for Indian cuisine. Which is all well and good except my new townhouse smells like pappadums. That would be fine if I was eating Indian for breakfast, lunch and dinner, but it doesn't go that well with anything else.
So while my colleagues at PALGN have worked tirelessly to bring you all the action from E3, I've been boiling cinnamon sticks on the stove, and trying to remember what box I packed the computer in, having already opened two boxes marked 'computer' only to find Harry Potter Lego, a set of cutlery and a cactus plant that I hadn't seen since I last moved house. And now my house smells like cinnamon pappadums, which is probably to be expected. You're possibly thinking that moving house during E3 makes as much sense as moving house over Christmas and you'd be right. I've tried that too and wouldn't recommend that either. I've only just found some of the presents I bought for Xmas 2004, and my son still hasn't forgiven me for not leaving a forwarding address for Santa.
The closest I got to E3? The pic on the right.
Like the day after Xmas, post E3 leaves me feeling just a little under whelmed. I've caught up on all the big news thanks to PALGN's excellent coverage, and can't help feeling a little disappointed. It's the Boxing Day Blues, when after all the build up and expectation, you look at your gift haul, think back on the big day, and brace for a week of turkey and potato salad leftovers and ask, "is that all there is?". A new PS3 controller design that's not so new after all. A PS3 launch price so staggeringly high, you now realise why the treasurer, Peter Costello, announced tax cuts at last week's Federal budget. He knows that without putting a bit more money in our pockets we'll struggle to buy it. As for the rest of the big announcements, there really wasn't too much we didn't already know or couldn't see coming. Halo 3, Vice City Stories; hell a work experience student on a psychic telephone hotline could have predicted a lot of these announcements.
I was as impressed by the MGS4 and Halo 3 trailers as the next guy, but there was no announcement that really blew me away. Of course that probably sounds like sour grapes from the man who missed E3 and who would rather have been anywhere else, doing anything else but moving house. On the plus side, I've only signed a twelve month lease. Perhaps this time next year I can move to LA.
A dojo in your lounge room
Researchers from the University of Helsinki are working on a virtual reality Karate game that aims to put your entire body into the thick of the fight like never before. Think Eyetoy on steroids, or one of those commercial golf simulators. Now admittedly the boffins are busy trying to shrink this thing down to more Eyetoyesque dimensions, but even the sight of Reggie, Miyamoto and Iwata playing tennis on the Wii makes me question the direction gaming is heading to replicate real life.
If you've ever been to Finland, you can understand why the scientists think moving your body while playing video games is a good idea. It's so bloody cold, anything that makes you warm is considered a good idea, which is why the annual Flying Squirrel Down Your Pants Festival is so popular every year. But seriously, how much furniture to do want to move before you can safely play Virtual Kung Fu? At what point does it make more sense just to go down to your local Dojo? Having just moved house, I never want to move another piece of furniture again. Of course the moral majority will applaud any effort to get video gamers off the couch and it's hard to argue against anything that's burning calories while also entertaining. But at what point does replicating a realistic control system mean we may as well put down the controller and take up the real life activity instead?
Frankly, if the couch has to go, I'm just not interested.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not advocating less gaming. Far from it. But for me, the attraction of climbing through dark cold damp caverns with Lara Croft was the fact that I could sit on the comfy couch with my feet up while I did it. Yet take the ever increasing desire to mesh the onscreen character's movements with my own, it won't be long that I'll be climbing the walls, crawling through the heating ducts, and being doused with cold water every time Lara wades into the rock pool.
I thought the future was meant to be virtual glasses and electrodes strapped to my head. To be sure, the Wii remote is a technological marvel by all accounts, and even Eyetoy games can be fun, but if I wanted to cast a fishing line, I'd head down the coast. For now, just give me the plain old-fashioned controller and a comfy couch.
Catch you next week on The Wrap
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