#10 The Army Men from the Army Men series.
I’m not sure why, but for some reason 3DO thought these “Army Men” characters were great. I can think of nothing worse then playing tiny stiff green soldiers in a microscopic battle. Despite the countless sequels that have been released, it eventually took its toll on 3DO as they went bankrupt. Even worse, the franchise was picked up by another company, so expect the Army Men games to continue invading the shelves.
#9 Dirk from the Dragon’s Lair series.
There wasn’t really much appeal to the Dragon Lair series, mainly because of the hero “Dirk”. Even though Dirk is suppose to be portrayed as a loser, it certainly doesn’t help. And it’s never good when your hero’s name sounds like he belongs in an X rated film. With his running motion that can only be described as a “running duck” and a sword that isn’t even straight, I think I’d rather marry the villain than watch this fool try and save me. It’s alright Dirk, you can probably get a job at a medieval recreation center.
#8 Bubsy the Bobcat from the Bubsy series.
Stupid looking scruffy cat with a goofy smile. Check. Wearing a t-shirt but oddly no pants. Check. Stupid objectives such as collecting balls of string. Check. No personality at all. Check. Quite possible the lamest franchise of all time. Check.
#7 Jigglypuff from the Pokémon series.
Pokémon have taken over the world. Nintendo knows that. But some of the characters living in the Pokémon world look like something Freddy Krueger thought up. Look at Jigglypuff, eerily cute but somehow evil. Jigglypuff is basically a pink beach ball with big eyes and tiny stumps for arms. Armed with the killer “singing sleep attack” and white-board marker, this mean character surely is a force to be reckoned with. Add that with the most annoying voice ever, Jiggypuff is probably one of the worst characters ever. In the later series the Pokémon seem to become even more abstract and twisted, but we’ll just focus on Jigglypuff as “it” is one of the first horrors to be born into land.
#6 Squall from Final Fantasy VIII.
This guy is tragic. Anybody who played this game would have loved to have seen him fall on a sharp stick. Always moping around and feeling sorry for himself, playing Squall was like being part of a bad TV soap. Why was he so depressed? He had the coolest sword of all time and a beautiful girl after him. Watching him try to court Rinoa was truly one of the worst moments in videogame history and we can only hope Square-Enix never try to emulate a character like that ever again. They’ve come close a few times, but never to the pitiful extreme of Squall Lionheart.
#5 Slippy the Toad from the Starfox series.
Poor old Fox. Trying to save the universe with a wing man who is a slimly reptile. Not only does Slippy have no concept of how to keep radio science, he would constantly get himself into trouble. When things get a little bit tough, you can bet Slippy is the first to go down in flames. You can imagine one day Falco accidentally shooting down Slippy for the sanity of the team. I’m sure nobody would complain. Well, that rabbit might get a little upset.
#4 Big the Cat from Sonic Adventure series.
Sonic is a very cool character, no question. But when you play a wonderfully crafted level at high pace as Sonic (even though it was on rails), the reward is you get to play a fat cat with a fishing pole. I remember first playing this character with an expression on my face that can only be described as pure horror. We didn’t buy a Sonic title to play a frustrating slow level involving a purple cat. An honorable mention must go to Amy for almost being as lame, but not to the level of our friend Big.
#3 Raiden from Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty.
This game was supposed to be the best thing since sliced bread. The demo showed our Snake doing ultra cool stuff and looked oh so jaw dropping. So we all patiently waited until the games release. The first level was great, a taste of things to come. Or so we thought. Enter a lame want-to-be-cool blond guy who looks like the lawnmower man. This guy is the anti-Snake, totally annoying, feminine and probably would look more at home on the set of He-Man. Here is a little tip for Konami, people like Metal Gear because of Snake!
#2 Tingle from The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker.
This guy is probably Nintendo’s worst creation. That’s saying a lot. The Gamecube-Gameboy link is dubious at best, but when your host is a reject from the fairy shack, this is truly awful. Tingle is the product of what can only be describing as “when fairies go bad”. With his “rosy cheeks”, wearing his underwear on the outside ala Superman and a skin tight body suit, Tingle probably looks like he belongs more on the drag queen show than in an epic battle for Hyrule. If we see a return of Tingle in the new Zelda, I think it will be quite clear that Nintendo has gone mad.
#1 Luigi from the Mario series.
In the mushroom kingdom there is one sad Italian. No doubt living by himself eating TV dinners trying to work out where his life went wrong. Always in the shadow of his brother, poor old Luigi just can’t get a break. This is mainly because he is probably the biggest loser bar Toad in the whole of the land. His only saving grace was his “high” jump, but he was still incredibly clumsy and sports the worst colored costume ever. When he does get his own adventure it’s an educational title (Mario is missing) or using a vacuum cleaner to suck up ghosts (Luigi’s Mansion). Life is tough for Luigi, and it gets even tougher as he gets the number one position in the 10 lamest characters of all time.
Honorable mentions go to Blinx the Cat, Dan from Street Fighter Alpha, Voldo from Soul Calibur and Crash Bandicoot.
If you missed the first article it can be found here. Stay tunned to PALGN for more “Top 10” columns in the near future.
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