pine off-cuts that I'll never get back. But there is an upside: I'll soon be listing on eBay a five foot diameter pine dining table complete with an in-laid mosaic picture of a Chimera Goliath laying siege to the Playboy Mansion and all of the Playboy Bunnies inside.
But back to the R18+ debate. Now, I'm sorry, but I just can't keep up this charade any longer. Video games, video gaming, gamers - all guilty as charged. All totally, one hundred per cent responsible for all of society's ills. There's simply no denying it, and I for one can't live the lie any longer.
Where to begin?
Obesity: Don't bother waving your Wii Balance Board in my face. You may be shedding kilos from your body weight and centimetres from your waistline today, but how about you get back to me in twelve months time when the shine of your Wii Balance Board has worn off and instead of another Wii Fit routine, you're back on the couch inhaling Krispy Kreme donuts and killing zombies. Face facts. If exercise was addictive, we'd be fit already.
Addictions: Speaking of addictions, let's just admit it. Addiction goes hand in hand with fun. If it's enjoyable, it's addictive. That's why you never see anyone checking into a clinic to tackle a propensity for gardening or for watching too much Australian TV drama. There's just no need. Sex-crazed, drug-crazed videogame junkies are where the real money is. Just ask the marketing guys at Betty Ford. If video gaming wasn't addictive, the industry as a whole wouldn't talk fondly about how games such as Flower are 'gateway' games capable of drawing in and hooking new customers.
Crowded Public Transport: Really, you thought all those DS and PSP toting guys and gals taking up valuable space in your buses and trains every day were actually going to work? You thought they were all gainfully employed? Not a chance. I'll expand on this particular truism another day but handhelds are lifestyle dependant. If you're not a kid, or a prisoner or a commuter, you'd better become one fast if you want to get any real joy and use out of your handheld gaming platform of choice. Becoming a commuter is your easiest option, although the simple truth is, as a gamer there's every chance you've already done time or will soon commit an act worthy of imprisonment.
Low Birth Rates: Sure the Aussie birth rate has risen to the challenge since our last PM, John Howard introduced the 'Baby Bonus' a few years back, but seriously? Someone had to pony up cash before Aussies would go forth and conceive. What are we doing that's stopping us from having sex with our partners? One Guess. Videogames. Guilty your honour.
Road Rage: Come on. Do I have to explain every little thing to you? Angry? I'm not angry. I'M BLOODY WELL NOT. Come here and say that. You'd be bloody angry too if you had to pass this many cars in only three laps in this crap excuse for a car.
Deaths: People don't kill people. Videogames kill people. Well, perhaps not videogames but certainly those bloody crane vending machines. If young children aren't crawling inside them, then people are being crushed to death by them. Ok, so it turns out that those recorded cases I'm quoting were actually vending machines, but you have to think that if those buggers are falling over on top of people then it's not really too much of a stretch to imagine that any tall, top-heavy object is capable of getting the wobblies, including your crane vending machine, your video arcade cabinet and your in-store-game console kiosk. Condemn the lot of them. Videogaming. Guilty as charged.
Global Warming: Sure, the scientists point the finger at green-house gases, but anyone with a PS3 knows that those suckers are putting out enough heat to warm a small apartment and bump the outside ambient temperature one or two degrees. Seriously, if you've got more than one PS3, a small heat power exchange unit and a progressive Utilities company you can even return surplus energy back into the National grid.
Playing the blame game.
Increased Air Traffic Noise: SORRY? NO, I'M NOT STILL ANGRY, I JUST CAN'T HEAR YOU, ANOTHER 747 JUST TOOK OFF OVERHEAD. Check the figures. Government statistics indicate the domestic air-travel industry doubled in size in eight years, from 25 million trips in 2000 to 49.76 million trips in the year to the end of August 2008. Why? Competition? Sure. Cheaper flights helped, and so did getting rid of all the ugly flight crew, but it's really all down to better in-flight entertainment. No, not that movie they're screening with all the good bits taken out, that you've already seen once before anyway, and not that episode of Faulty Towers that you've seen twenty seven times either. No, I'm talking about handheld video gaming. Truth is I take two flights a year simply so I have a reason to turn on my PSP. Turns out millions of Australians are doing likewise.
The Bastardisation of the Tim Tam: Exactly what fickle group of Attention Deficit Disorder-addled consumers do you think Arnotts are pitching all these new Tim Tam varieties at? Yes! Videogamers are responsible for the abomination that is the Love Potions Sticky Vanilla Toffee Tim Tam biscuit. Guilty your honour.
Awful movies: More accurately, every movie based on a videogame. Hopefully there's no explanation necessary, but if you're still confused, watch the movie Street Fighter, and then get back to me.
Diabetes: See Addictions & The Bastardisation of the Tim Tam (above).
Hybrid Motor Vehicles: Yep, videogames are responsible for the Toyota Prius, that sad excuse for a motor car, that under-powered, resource hungry, politically correct motoring icon. Just the other week The Wrap took a look at how motor vehicle manufacturers use driving video games as a tool to sell more cars. In 2004, Toyota attempted to do just that in the US with the GT4Toyota Prius demo disc, which they mailed off to interested customers, and handed out at that year's New York International Auto Show. The disc featured only two cars the Prius and the MTRC concept car - and two tracks. In that year alone, sales of the Prius doubled in the US. The causal effect is clear and so is the guilty party. Videgames are responsible for the blight on humanity that is the Toyota Prius.
World Hunger: See Bastardisation of the Tim Tam (above).
Falling Literacy Rates: I could tell you that literacy rates are falling around the world. I could quote statistics that show that one in five eleven year olds can't...you're not even reading this...you can't seriously still be reading the first paragraph? Just forget I even mentioned it.
Until next weekend, that’s The Wrap.
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