Here’s the plan: The Wrap will land each and every weekend. Think of it as your antidote to a slow (video games) news day. For those not present or not paying attention the last time around; The Wrap is precisely that – a wrap-up of the news of the week, both the news that was worthy of a PALGN news post as well as the news we rejected, ignored or otherwise missed.
The Wrap aspires to be original, thought provoking and entertaining, but I’ll settle for eliciting the odd grin, and the occasional smirk. That, and your feedback.
Sure I love the food coupons and occasional review code that the PALGN gods throw down from up high. However I’m sure I speak for most of the writing staff, if not all of us (apologies to any of the PALGN crew who are just in it for the food coupons) when I say that what I appreciate most is the knowledge that my work is being read. Turns out it’s not just in space that no one can hear you scream. Believe me when I tell you, there is very little joy in writing for a site with no traffic. In the past, I’ve written for gaming sites so small, that Google used to send complaint letters because the Google Bots that they’d sent out to find us would never come back.
Which is all a very long-winded way of saying it’s great to be back at PALGN and I look forward to being part of the PALGN community.
Big Red Buttons
I’m angling for a new job. Not that I don’t love this one, but I’ve seen an opening and I think I’m the man for it. I want to conduct a study. I don’t much care whether it’s an academic study or a government study. I’ve seen the results of both and I’ve got to tell you, I think I’m up for the challenge.
You may have heard of the recent study by the European Union into the benefits or otherwise of children playing video games. I think I know what you’re thinking. The last time you listened to Kochie, Europe was in a dire financial pickle.
England’s busy printing money, but at the rate that banks and retail outlets are closing, punters will soon have few shops to spend it in, and even less banks to deposit into. You possibly might have thought that in the midst of this economic turmoil, the European Union would have had more important things to do with its time, like, I don’t know...grabbing hold of the economy before it all disappears down the toilet.
Now in their defence I’m sure the pollies taking part in the video games study – the obscurely named ‘European Parliament committee on the Internal Market and Consumer Protection’ would argue that they were all doing their bit to prop up the world economy, or, at the very least, all twenty seven member states of the EU. As reported by the BBC, it was ‘a wide-ranging study of younger game players’, which I suspect means that they travelled from Bristol to Bucharest and all points in between, logging quite a few frequent flier points and running up a substantial expenses bill in the process.
And the fruits of all this research? Well, first the good news. The committee gave video games the thumbs up, saying that games have a "broadly beneficial effect" on the mental development of children.” So far so good. They were also of the belief that not all games are suited to all age groups. Makes sense to me. I’m only slightly embarrassed to admit that I’m still a little freaked by the zombies in Unchartered: Drake’s Fortune! They were as unwelcome as they were unsettling, and as great as the game is/was, it’s the zombies that are still, six months later, preventing me from completing the game a second time. But back to the EU.
All great studies must have a great conclusion. So what do the committee members conclude? Obvious really. They’ve called for the ‘Big Red Button’ . Actually I’m playing hard and fast with the truth. What they’ve actually called for is a ‘Red Button’ but I’m guessing that what they really need is a big one that they can easily find.
I swear I’m not making this stuff up. In case you’re wondering, the ‘Red Button’ would disable inappropriate games. Clearly, it needs to be BIG, because last time I checked, all the home consoles already had parental control tools! So does the PSP. The DS doesn’t, but let’s face it. With the sole exception of the upcoming GTA game Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars, the only justifiable concerns you can really have about children playing DS games is they’ll learn to cook or get a little smarter. That, and if raising virtual animals ever becomes an actual career, your kids will have the job market cornered.
Despite all this, the existing parental controls must be incredibly well hidden, because in all their learned study, throughout their entire fact-finding junket, not one member of the committee stumbled to the fact that these parental controls were already in place.
Committees, cows and big red buttons.
I shouldn’t be surprised that the EU has called for the Big Red Button. It’s worked before. A dairy glut throughout the European Union in the 80’s and 90’s saw all European Union dairy cattle fitted with Big Red Buttons. As the world recession deepens and the EU is once again faced with a glut of milk, dairy farmers from Belgium to Belfast are reaching for the Big Red Buttons as you read this article. There are even rumours that the EU have decided that it would be far more cost effective, and the measures far more compliant, if the Big Red Buttons were actually fitted to the dairy farmers themselves, rather than the cows. However that matter has been referred to the ‘European Parliament committee into Human Rights as they pertain to the fitting of Big Red Buttons onto EU Citizens’.
It’s not just in farming either. In response to the economic bloodbath; as other countries in the EU and the rest of the world look to follow England’s lead and print more money, Big Red Buttons will be called into action at the great Mints of Europe.
For those wondering how the Big Red Button will actually work when applied to home consoles the report doesn’t actually say, but I suspect it will go something like this: The parent observes his or her child playing a video game; when said child commences playing an inappropriate game, the aforementioned parent will swiftly and firmly press the Big Red Button.
Nor has the EU recommended where the Big Red Button will be located. I'm fairly certain it will be positioned right next to the on/off switch...
Until next weekend, that’s The Wrap.
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